It's a Roller Coaster Kind of Life

So, I started this blog years ago, and like "Marlena Fashion" I didn't keep up with it, but I do think and feel that I have some things to share, but only because I'm passionate about life, and the people that are in mine. I'm not perfect nor do I try to be. I can only STRIVE to be, but then my "Control Issues" take over, and well, it ends up being a big cluster______, you can fill in the blank.

So today, my life has taken a big roller coaster ride up and down, and boy, have I felt the G's! You know how you start out with your day and you've got your list (Love lists!) and you've got your pen, your paper, your schedule, your whole entire day planned to the minute! Yeah, right! God's plan is something totally different from what you even THINK you had planned! He says, "Um, okay, you go ahead, and I'll just be here if you need me" and then it happens...the total opposite. So you can choose to be either roll with the punches and be resilient, or fight it. Fighting it sometimes is just that, a struggle and it's usually against yourself.  

But today was an up and down kind of day for me. I was able to finally take care of some important things that had been on the back burner. They WAY WAY back burner. I guess if I acknowledge somethings when I'm not ready to then they're real and exist and I have to THEN do something about them? I hate being a grown up. All I ever wanted to do was wear makeup and drive a car.  All this other responsible, working, bill paying, being accountable, grown up stuff sucks.  I just wanna lay in bed with the dogs and snuggle and play on Pinterest all day long. But then, who is going to pay for the Internet bill? It's a vicious cycle and it's the daily circus in my mind that keeps me intertained. I'm truly not delusional, I'm just extremely outspoken and sarcastic for my own good.  *Smirk smirk* 

So, yes i planned, God intervened, which was good.  For the first time in a few years I felt the weight lift off of my shoulders.  I finally made some calls and took care of personal business and then made more calls, which lead to more calls, which lead to emails and then, well, then bad news happened, and so there was my dip, and after a few hours my coaster car made its ascent back up the hill, and finally back to the station. Thank God, because I was glad to get off. It was interesting however.  

Life isn't want we expect, never ever ever.  We only have so much control, and then sometimes none at all.  To me, it's surrendering to the ride.  Feeling the twists and turns, the bumps and the steep dips, and the G forces pulling you back and taking your breath away.  We can only choose HOW we enjoy or endure the ride. Do you scream, hands up in the air, waving your middle finger at the world? Or do you scream with your hands in the air and say "YEAH! FASTER!" Or do you just simply hang on and experience each exciting moment?  It can be a whole mess of emotions from fear, to giddiness, to excitement, to accomplishment, and THEN...that steep drop off and the unexpected G force gets you and, well, all you can do is scream, or try to! By time it over you've gone through every emotion and feeling and no wonder when you get off you're exhausted, elated, but at the same time you're glad to be off, but now you KNOW you could do it again if you HAD to. 

I'm happy that my attitude towards life is different from what it used to be.  I've learned the hard way that we can't just be grateful for for the small stuff or the good stuff, but for the bad stuff too.  We have to be thoughtful in our lives and look at our part and see life's lessons.  It's hard to do that sometimes because looking at ourselves, and I mean THE real self.  The TRUE self.  THE self that knows the truth, the secrets and the lies. YOU.  We can only hide who we are from others, NOT from ourselves.   Because when we're alone and with our thoughts that true self is with us.  And they know. They know the good, the bad, the ugly. They know our insecurities, our vulnerabilities, our shame. But they also know the love, the kindness, all the goodness too. 

Spending several years in Al-Anon taught me to look at myself 1st, and not only was that THE hardest thing to do, but it was hard to see it all, to know it, accept it, digest it, and then LET IT GO.  Forgive yourself for what you did, or didn't do, or chose or whatever your hang up is.  LET IT REST.  Quit giving it life by breathing life into it. Too much time, emotion and energy is wasted.  You can't fix the past, it's OVER. We can't move on with God's plan till we quit trying to work our own.  It doesn't work.  Life doesn't work.  Life can work, maybe, but God's plan can't, and I don't want to know what that's about. 

So for now I'll close, I've rambled on long enough, I had something else that was in the forefront of my mind, but I guess I needed to share this.  Blessings to all, and thanks for stopping by.  ~*M*~